5 years ago I came here and talked about devastating heartbreak that nearly crushed me. Well, i’m back to report that not only has a lot happened since then, but i survived it.

Last time i came here was about 2 months ago. I ranted and raved about surviving a soul crashing job. Guess what, the universe was like, gurrrl, you don’t need this, and i was swiftly put in the retrenchment list. Wont lie, the money was not terrible.

Within the course of life after heartbreak, I met someone. It was all manner of complicated but he had a cute smiley face and a big heart. Giant hands too. It wasn’t a long running relationship. This time, i had my guard up, Proverbs 4:23 et al. But I was willing to see how this goes within the confines of its complications and my guardrails. It was fantastic the first few months. Everything without pressure to conform to traditional roles of boy/girl, man/woman relationships. Until it wasn’t.

I can’t even recall at what point the “wasn’t” started. I honestly cannot recall. But i do recall starting to feel unfulfilled, like this is no longer working for me. Then I started to see red flags everywhere. Everything he would do or say, was nuanced. I was so on edge and all the feelings i had long thought i got over came flooding back. I knew, this is it. Now my heart is broken again, only this time, by me.

To the guy who still has my heart. I don’t know if you will read this but:-

I read somewhere that we experience the world through our own lenses. Example, you could love someone, but only you are aware of how much, and in what manner you feel for this person. Same as hurt, same as anger, same as joy. Only you know what you are experiencing. But as the flawed humans we are we think that the people around us have identical experiences. So the feeling of joy and love and hurt and anger, is experienced the same by all of us. But is that accurate?

In addition to that, a flawed thought we have is, we expect other people to have a similar reactions. Example…If a matatu blocks me off, it would piss me off. I would expect that if a matatu blocks you off, it would piss you off. That’s the beauty of the human flaws. We can be too simplistic. And its within this simplistic human state that we experience life with all its…….glory.

All this to say, I’m only human. And so are you. I felt what i felt, I’m coming to understand that you felt what you felt. Also, I’m coming to understand that it may not have been the same thing. And for that, I’m sorry. I should have realized it sooner. But I’m also grateful to you because now, I no longer have that petrified feeling whenever i meet someone new. I have you to thank for that.

If you can find it in your heart, I wouldn’t mind being friends again one day. Platonic :-). I do hope you find your distraction, and i hope she’s everything you need.